Today is Valentine's Day. It was a rough morning for me. That's because I am now taking a benzo med and prozac and cogentin and my thyroid meds. I don't like being on these drugs. I would rather be the old me. I feel like I can't concentrate and focus for more than a few hours. My quality of life is suffering I believe. My husband tells me to keep taking the meds or he will stop taking his. He says I need this medicine. Bah humbug! I feel like a total zombie. I am holding it together only because I do NOT want to go back into the psych ward. Sigh. I am a control freak and can be manipulative. I think that maybe I am afraid of this medicine and the side effects aren't as bad as I think they are. I am trying to rule my thoughts but having a hard time doing that. I actually have more panic attacks since being on medication. A counselor said she didn't think I am bipolar but I'm still labeled as Bipolar with psychosis and paranoia. I think I just need to think happy thoughts to be me or the best me I can be. I don't want to keep taking these meds.

Oh boy..finances. Well, just know that we are broke. Our household income is or has been $10 per hour. My hubby Travis is out of training finally so that should go up. I am trying to decide if I need to file for disability or start working again. Panic attacks follow me wherever I go work unfortunately. But I have been employed for two years or more at two different places. I worked as a mall manager for almost 3 years and only lost that job because the mall was sold. Ok well actually it’s also because I went a little cuckoo.

Yes, it occurs to me that airing all my dirty laundry will or could keep anyone from hiring me. Honesty is the best policy, right? Honestly, I have had twenty or so jobs in the past 10 years. No, I’m not exaggerating. If I have the right boss and am left to run the business, I do well. I can’t work with micromanagers or anyone who treats me like a child. I’m not a babysitter, I am a business manager. The other job I did well at was Starbucks. Not surprisingly, I had an awesome boss who believed in me. He taught me well. So that’s my secret formula to hold down a job and feel good about it.

 I just received a phone call from someone asking if I want to apply for a job. NO I don’t. I want to write. I want to blog and interact with others and help them. If I do a good enough job, maybe one day our readers will buy a book from me. I can’t wait to write a childrens book. After figuring out how to work with wordpress. I am from blogger originally and this transition to word press isn’t as user friendly. Hmmm, Should I continue with wordpress or go back to blogger? It reminds me of when MySpace and Facebook were squaring off. I liked the look and feel of myspace so much better. But then everyone went to Facebook. I didn’t like it at all at first. But there was nobody to talk to on MySpace anymore so I jumped off the bridge…lol Perhaps I should be patient with my own learning process. That’s a tough one for me…patience.

Who am I? I finally know so here Goes...

Posted on February 9, 2012

♥ Your true character is measured by how you treat those who can do nothing for you ♥

I love my family and friends with all of my heart. That’s what matters most in my life. My daughter Savannah has taught me so much and my son Hunter brings nothing but joy and wonder to my life. I am married to Travis, an amazing man who has brought acceptance, love, and such happiness to me. We have so much fun together and I am excited about our future. My best friend Kimm is a source of support and unconditional friendship and I love her for that.I’m the mother of 3 awesome children. Malachi is now 14, Savannah is 13 and Hunter is 8. Hunter James. My sweetie! Hunter is the joy of my life. My little man is such a blessing. Really, it’s like he’s my first child although he’s the youngest. My experience with Savannah was nothing like a normal mother-daughter relationship. So, for me, the first time I have been able to be a real full time Mommy was with Hunter. He makes every day more happy and fulfilling. He makes me laugh till I cry sometimes. Savannah is a sweet little girl who has been through way too much. More than any adult should go through, much less a child. Savannah was born 3 months premature, plus also went without oxygen for quite awhile because I had a placental abruption. She was born completely blind, unable to walk or talk, and is fed through a feeding tube in her stomach. She has life threatening epilepsy and cerebral palsy among many other health issues. We took care of her at home for over 6 years but when Hunter came along, it was just too much to handle with her increased need for 24 hour care. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was let her go to live at a Pediatric Nursing Facility. But really, it turned out to be the best for her and our family. Malachi is into sports and is such a sweet and funny kid. He is my step-son from my first marriage. I will always claim him as my child even though Shawn and I are divorced. I lost touch with him for a while but hope to rekindle our friendship and be there for him in whatever ways I can. What happened with Savannah and some other things I have been through have made me view life and religion differently than mainstream I suppose. I believe life is intended as a school for the soul where each of us plans out the lessons we need in order to achieve perfection of the soul. I think of Heaven as the true reality, as opposed to Earth. Heaven is eternal, a place of total harmony, no physical limitations, no problems, and you have a constant awareness of the presence and love of God. I love music, love to sing, enjoy reality TV, love to read, write, and spend time with friends and family.

We need help. I know that my husband Travis and I are meant to do something. Maybe it’s this little blog? One night I was inspired to write this blog. I like to write and I know what I’m doing in this life more so now than ever. Yet I would like this blog to be interactive. Fans can vote on our life decisions. We will listen to all of the feedback and make choices based on what our readers tell us. A thousand heads are better than two. Especially two who have the mental illness called bipolar. See, it’s a stretch for me just to admit I have an illness. For years I have been pretending I do not. I can no longer lie to myself. So, will you help us? Each day I will write about a different aspect of our life. I will ask for comments and suggestions and will have a poll on our Facebook page. See the next post for a snippet of who I am. Here’s what types of things I will post and when. Join us for this adventure!

DAILY PLAN

Monday – Our Family Life
Tuesday – Our Health
Wednesday – Our Home
Thursday – Our finances
Friday – This Blog!
Saturday – Our Hobbies
Sunday – Spirituality