My Journey Thus Far - by Travis

My Journey, Thus Far

by  ♜★ -Travis ★♜

My mother spent 36 hours in labor before the doctors decided to deliver me by C-section. Even at the beginning of my existence, I seemed to know that this could be a cruel, harsh world, and I did not want any part of it. Not as long as I could stay safe, hidden away in my mother’s womb, sheltered from the chaos and hardships of this existence. Sometimes I still feel that way. Hello everyone one, my name is Travis and I have Bipolar Disorder.

(Everyone in the support group chants “Hello Travis.” In either a monotone drone or an excited shriek depending on what head space they are in that day)

I’ve always wanted to start my Autobiography that way. I suppose I will have to do something worth writing about before that happens. So for now, I will have to be content to start this essay of my story for our Married And Both Bipolar blog and Facebook page.

As I said, my name is Travis. I am 38 years old. I am currently attending college online to earn my bachelor’s degree in computer science, a subject I fell in love with in high school, but drifted away from as life happened. I have been a self employed flooring installer for the last 11 ½ years. And approximately two and a half years ago, I started dating the most wonderful woman I have ever known. Staci is my rock. She helped me through my anger issues. She helped me view the world from a different vantage point. Most of all, she keeps me grounded and loves me unconditionally – something I have always craved and never received(except from my parents and siblings).

I grew up in rural Indiana. There were cornfields as far as the eye could see. My parents rented a acre plot from a local farmer on which sat our 12 x 72 metal sided mobile home. The lot also held a old, large, red barn that I was not supposed to play in, but I often did. My parents were married at the ages of 17 and 18. My mother gave birth to me at the age of 19, and my dad was one year older. I have a sister who is two and a half years younger, and a brother who is eight years younger – he was a “surprise”. Neither of them are bipolar, or have mental issues, other than my brother has a slight learning disability. I do, however, have a family history of mental illness. At least two uncles on my dad’s side have Bipolar Disorder, but my dad is “normal”. My mother also has a slight learning disability and suffers from Clinical Depression. Mental illness runs deep in her family. My maternal grandfather had Schizophrenia, and his sister entered a permanent psychosis at a young age for which she required 24/7 care. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression at the age of 24 by my then family doctor and prescribed Prozac (the “miracle” drug of the time). I was diagnosed with Bipolar II at the age of 33.

My first real “episode” came when I was in my late teens. I called it a nervous break down at the time. It was an overpowering anxiety that left me as a basket case for a few days. Since that time I have experienced depression in the range of mild to severe and lasting as little as a day or as much as a few months. I have never had a manic episode that I can remember, although in my younger years I was occasionally subject to delusional thinking (none of which ever led to erratic behavior). I have, however, experienced my fair share of hypomania – those days, or even weeks, when I feel energized and exhilarated, and want to accomplish EVERYTHING. These also used to be the times I was most irritable and argumentative. I enjoyed the energy, but my family didn’t enjoy the hostility. My biggest complaint about my disorder, other than the severe depression that keeps me in bed, is the racing thoughts. It’s sometimes hard to “find room to breathe” in my head. When I’m up, I usually have four or five projects going at once, and when I’m down, I struggle to maintain those activities which are requirements for my very existence. In the past, I have been on Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, Celexa, Seroquel, Depakote, and Xanax at one time or another. I have also self medicated with alcohol and/or marijuana in the past. I wouldn’t recommend the alcohol to anyone with this disorder. Marijuana can be a great equalizer, if you live in a state where it is available as a medical prescription. I do not advocate illegal activity. I currently take Seroquel and Celexa daily before bed, and have Xanax tabs to use as needed. This combination seems to work fairly well for me, keeping my highs and lows less extreme; but not diminishing them completely.

Even at a young age it was fairly obvious that there was just something not quite right about Travis. My parents often described me as moody, irritable, melancholy, and energetic. My mother favorite phrase to describe me was, “He goes from one extreme to the other.” I’m guessing that if they had been able to afford to take me to psychiatrist I would have been diagnosed ADD. I had chronic headaches as a child. I developed rage issues at a young age, even though there were no real displays of anger in my home for me to learn it from. I am told that chronic anger is generally a learned behavior. My father once mentioned that I might possibly have a chemical imbalance in my brain, but that’s all that was said about it until I was in my twenties. I grew up in a conservative environment fostered by highly religious home. I’d say my child hood was average. My father did become mildly physically abusive to me in my teen years. I believe this was caused by a combination of me being an intensely strong willed and irritating child and him being a very young, immature, and inexperienced father.

I was an intelligent and inquisitive child. I remember seeing Algebra, for the first time, when I was 6 or 7 and wanting desperately to learn it. I always loved numbers and math (manipulating numbers). Where others struggled occasionally with mathematical concepts, it just came to me naturally, like a second language. I did well all through school, with few “incidents” and very good grades. In high school I maintained a B+/A- average without ever cracking a book and not always turning in my homework. I was accepted at Purdue University in the Computer Science department, but dropped out after the first semester so I could “live life”.

I was married, the first time, at the age of 28. She was also from a devotedly Christian family, and everyone thought it was a match made in heaven. When we made it through the first year of marriage, which everyone told us would be the hardest, I thought we were home free. When she left me in 2008, I was obliterated. There were many other issues I don’t wish to discuss here, but my diagnoses of Bipolar Disorder the year before played a large role in the ensuing divorce. I am so, so happy we did not have any children.

I was distraught. I was a broken man. During this time I questioned life. I questioned god. I questioned my existence. I spent many months cooped up in my house alone, leaving occasionally to work just enough to keep the heat and electricity on. I spent hours upon hours on introspective thought and writing. During this time I also read quite a bit, and joined Facebook. Facebook became my outlet, my friend. It helped me “re-enter” the world and self actualize. It also, eventually, was responsible Staci finding me. We had actually dated ten years prior, 2 years before I met my first wife, for a couple months, but lost touch. I like to tease her about how she broke my heart. When she friend requested me I was ecstatic.

 Staci and I started dating again. She is the most kind, generous soul I know. She is highly spiritual and philosophical. I enjoy the talks we have immensely. She has a nine year old son who is amazing. I love him like my own, and am very proud of his achievements. The best part is she understands my illness and accepts me for who I am. I give this same understanding and acceptance back to her. Is this to say we never have “harsh” moments in our house? Nope. We are both bipolar after all. In the beginning my anger issues, which I’ve dealt with all my life, were a real problem for her, coming from an abusive home. I asked her to help me, and she did. She purchased the book The Cow in the Parking Lot for me, which helped immensely. I would recommend it to anyone who suffers from anger issues. Presently, mine have practically evaporated.

Staci and I have been married for just over a year and a half. Our wedding was Alice in Wonderland themed, completely conceived and arranged by us, extremely complimented by or guests, and more than anything merry and enchanted. Not only are we each bipolar, but our relationship is also bipolar. Sometimes, we are both up and competing to see who can get the most done. Sometimes, we are both down and commiserate while lying in bed in a dark room, with a blanket over the window. Much of the time, one of us is down and the other is up and trying fervently to take care of the other. It’s an adventure at our house; that much is for sure. Won’t you continue to join us as we travel even further down the rabbit hole?