Travis and I have some downstairs neighbors that argue, yell, slam doors, and even supposedly hit each other right in front of their 5 year old little girl. Yesterday, the little girl ran outside and shouted "I can't take this anymore!" Then we heard doors slamming and the parents yelling at each other. The man was calling the woman profane names and the anger was running rampant. Want to know how we reacted?
Well, first, Travis has worked on his anger issues immensely. He no longer gets triggered or when he does he takes a deep breath and let's it go. I am so proud and thankful. I had to tell Travis that his anger was a deal breaker for me as I came from an angry and abusive household. He never hit me or anyone else but he would throw things or slam doors in the past. For example, he picked up the trash can one day and threw it down hard and it hit my leg. That was the last straw for me. I told him and his family he had to fix his anger quick or I would be gone. He fixed it by reading a book I bought him called "The Cow in the Parking Lot", some med changes, and just deciding that I was worth it. It took some time and a lot of working through it together. I finally feel safe again in our relationship. Travis is a different man today.
Many of the neighbors were outside or had their doors open because of the little girl. We all wanted to help her. A neighbor downstairs called the police. Travis came to the door and angrily yelled "Are they at it again?!!" hoping it would make them realize we were all watching and hoping they would stop. But all he did was add fuel to the fire and let out his own anger. I told him you are supposed to de-escalate anger not add to it. Travis was literally shaking after that. He kept apologizing to me over and over. He just let a little anger out, but felt like he had failed terribly. It's amazing how much it affected him and how easy their anger triggered his own.
The police came and settled the matter. The mom left with the little girl. Now Travis has decided he doesn't like being around angry people. The veil has lifted and he gets it. He really gets it. Today he said to me "I used to act that way, but now I know anger like that is not normal." This is huge to me because a year ago Travis was that angry guy. He didn't know how to set boundaries without yelling and screaming, or throwing things. He does now. And it has literally saved our marriage. I really hope that the lady downstairs is strong enough to stand her ground to not take the abuse and I hope the man gets help for his anger issues. If you or a loved one has anger issues, there is hope. People can and do change.
thank you for writing this. my son has been exactly like Travis in the past. You did a very good thing by giving him that ultimatum, for a few different reasons. my sons wife was a huge enabler of him. i tried to tell her many times. she stayed with him thru his anger issues, and then thru his court process which landed him in prison. (his anger issues had nothing to do with his incarceration.) and then even thru visiting him sometimes far away, just about every week;paying for phone calls and his canteen at prison, she was always there. but then, his anger issues started on the phone, and once in a rare while at visit. she still enabled him. when he would worry that she would leave him because he was in prison,maybe find another man, i would tell him " if she leaves you it will NOT be because you are away, or another man..it will be because of your attitudes now. well, just as he was up for an appeal hearing, and was shuffled back to county from a better prison...i guess she decided she had all she could take after one of his phone outbursts. she abruptly stopped all contact with him and filed for divorce. within four months he was divorced, while in prison. he was devastated, and it hurt him badly, the way she did it. So, here is a good reason to NOT ENABLE. When you finally decide you are not going to do it anymore, it hurts that person way worse than had u done it in the beginning. Because they were so used to you always putting up with them, I do believe its a major shock to their whole system. I just wanted to share that with you and your readers before I said thanks for giving me hope my son can change. He has already but I want to keep this hope for when he is finally home. for his family, and hopefully a new woman for him to love. so proud of Travis. and I sure hope as you said, that little girl can someday know her parents as loving, and not angry.
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